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« Review: "Behind the Candelabra"| Main| Kidman in Cannes.Part 5.»
Sunday
May 26 2013

Cannes Closing Ceremony.Which Actress Do *You* Own?

I've been watchingthe Cannes closing ceremonieswithGlennand having a laugh or five.My favorite bits are many but include...

...host Audrey Tatou's chirpy "oh la la"before the Palme D'Or

...president Steven Spielberg's weirdly nervous reveals ofthe winners

...Bérénice Bejo's surprise at winning Best Actress (damn is she ever looking gorgeous).Well,shewasgetting so good at losing.

...Ang Lee's entrance (why does the mere sight of him always fill me with joy?)

Awesome female directors,stage orgasms and actresses we now own (???)after the jump...

...Jane Campion presenting the short film prizes with Mads Mikkelsen.What a handsome & talented pair they make.If the Oscars invited artists this cool to present I'd be in heaven.亚博主页

...and the odd couple juxtaposition of the legendary Agnes Varda with Zhang Ziyi who I always thought of as diminutive until she was just towering over Varda,like Peter Jackson was forcing perspective on them,reducing Varda to adorable little Hobbit.

Have they even heard of each other?You never know.I was thrown this week by the news that Cannes regular James Gray (Two Lovers,The Yards) was totally unfamiliar with Marion Cotillard before someone suggested her forThe Immigrantswhen they met a social function.Apparently she threw a piece of bread at him during an argument!

But let's talk about sex...

Asia Argento sure wanted to!Her intro to Best Screenplay has to be seen to be believed.There isn't anything remotely lascivious in her scripted intro but if you didn't speak English you'd be convinced she was reciting something extremely erotic with her husky intonation,come hither expressions and lingerie gown tugging,until the climax when she,uh,basically climaxes.Asia has a perpetual carnal itch that can never be fully scratched!Frankly,it's kind of a wonder that she isn't a bigger star.

For all the excitement of the very brief ceremony the weirdest moment for me came with the Best Actress presentation.See,one of the chief complaints that's been lobbed at the Palme D'Or winnerBlue is the Warmest Colorover the past week has been the suggestion that its epic lesbian sex scene was closer to leering male fantasy in its POV and execution than character-driven passion.I haven't seen the film so I can't say if I agree but it made an awkward Best Actress moment even weirder in context.Orlando Bloom's Best Actress intro started with a quote from Ava Gardner.

An actress doesn't belong to herself.She belongs to those who watch her."

And proceeded like so:

Being watched.Being scrutinized.Being someone else's fantasy,a director's dream come true,or an audience's star or a juries favorite.

I had a brief chat withNickabout this and though we haven't much right to judge (actressexuals do get possessive) this is an incredibly sexist thing to say.Such an intro would NEVER accompany a Best Actor presentation.And besides,actressesdobelong to themselves.I know because quite a few things would be different if all the actresses belonged to me!

It figures that the night would end with two actresses that I have always claimed dibs on.The strange cinematic sexuality of the evening continued straight on through the Palme D'Or presentation.Consider that the once NC-17 causing Uma Thurman was presenting it...

Please welcome the magnificent Uma Thurman."

...while Nicole Kidman applauded her entrance.

And then Uma hung around the edges of the Palme D'Or winning trio while they were being celebrated for their explicit sex movie whilst we,the audience who apparently own her,could contemplate that she has her own explicit sex movie coming right up (Lars von Trier'sNymphomaniac) in the role that was originally to be played by Nicole Kidman.

I second Asia Argento's onanism.

Oh la la.The Cinema.It's a small world after all.And a sexy one.

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Reader Comments (9)

Always love your POV

May 26,2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

I want to see that Asia Argento intro.I only knew about the idea that she gave the finger on the carpet and sounded as if she smoked 500 cigarettes at once before speaking.Now this sounds even more spectacular.

I love Agnes Varda though she has looked a bit Middle Earth over the years.I mean,that hair!

And I want to get a little context about that Ava quote because I am not sure she would have continued with what Orlando Bloom.She seemed like a smart cookie based on her memoir.

May 26,2013 | Unregistered CommenterCMG

Asia Argento was amazing.Totally gave an awkward boner.

May 26,2013 | Unregistered CommenterSad man

I'm not surprised Asia Argento isn't a bigger star.She's extremely talented but she embraces offbeat roles.Once you let your father direct you in a brutal rape scene leading to the essentially character developing Stockholm Syndrome for sexual abuse (Stendhal Syndrome is shocking in the best way possible and literally filled with art),you've committed yourself to a career of odd roles.Shoot,just being the daughter of Dario Argento guaranteed her that career if she wanted it.And horror is all the more rich for having Asia as one of the top scream queens.

May 26,2013 | Unregistered CommenterRobert G

Can Orlando Bloom belong to me?I'd like to watch and scrutinize him.Be my fantasy,a dream come true...

May 26,2013 | Unregistered CommenterRyan T.

Ryan T -- LOL.watch and scrutinize away!

May 26,2013 | Registered CommenterNATHANIEL R

So cheesy that I know this,but she didn't throw the bread because he didn't know who she was.They were having dinner with her boyfriend (who had introduced them) and they had an argument and she threw bread at him.This apparently impressed Gray a lot.Adorbs story.

May 27,2013 | Unregistered Commentercaroline

I was laughing my ass off watching Asia...why can't American award shows have more moments like that?!!

May 27,2013 | Unregistered CommenterBia

From what I've read of Ava's rebellious nature,this quote from her was not meant as Mr.Bloom conveyed it.I'm most certain she meant it wryly,disgustedly,and with a large dose of ruefulness.I have no doubt Ms.Gardner was looking down at Cannes saying,"Holy fuck,will the sexist bastards ever get a clue."

May 29,2013 | Unregistered Commenterbrookesboy

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